29 October, 2010

BREAKING NEWS - CEU Library Lifts Ban on Water Consumption

In a rare announcement the CEU Library indicated it has lifted its blanket ban on the consumption of water within its borders.  The change in policy represents a dramatic shift in the regime's stance on allowing anything substantial to occur within the library walls.   The announcement, released earlier today via the GroupWise communication system, indicates that water may be transported in "bottles," defined as plastic, sealable, non-breakable containers, across the threshold of the Library in recognition of the "need of Library users to remain hydrated."

Few individuals have access to the Library's mysterious ruling elite and such communications are rare.  Speculations of a coup have arisen and the move may be a sign of internal power struggles, according to sources familiar with the matter.

For a regime that requires that all readers be stamped indicating personal ownership, separate forms for each personal item entering the premises, and a blanket ban on all jackets, liquids, foods, or any other source of personal comfort, experts wonder what the lift of the water embargo could mean next.  The announcement makes it clear that alcoholic drinks will remain prohibited, but students wonder if they might soon be free to wear jackets.

Observers fear the announcement will incite a backlash of student emails over GroupWise, both praising the decision and also exhibiting concern for water conservation practices.  The excess consumption of water under the new rules may lead to the depletion of the Danube River as a water source and discrimination against Keanu Reeves.  Experts believe the debaters will inevitably compare one another to Hitler.

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